Very Well Read

Quotations from, and the occasional reflection on, things that I have read.

Archive for the category “humour”

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

At long last I have finished my re-re-reading of the Hitchhiker’s 5-part trilogy, in reverse order, to grab my favourite lines from the books to put up here for all to see. I was recently at a blogging conference where one of the presenters discussed one of the functions of a blog as a “brain dump” – a place to put information so that you didn’t need to keep remembering it… it can be duly noted in an appropriate forum, which is searchable at a later date should the need arise, and thus the information no longer needed to clutter up one’s brain. I think this little book blog of mine fits that description. I have a terrible memory for books/movies, and although I generally remember if I liked a given book or movie, I’ll be damned if I can remember why I liked/disliked it, or really tell you anything about what happened in a book I’ve read or movie I’ve seen. This blog allows me to dump that info, before it disappears into the vast recesses of my grey matter, for later retrieval if necessary. And so, without further ado, I give you my favourite quotations from The Hitchhikers’s Guide to the Galaxy!

  • Obviously somebody had been appallingly incompetent and he hoped to God it wasn’t him” (p. 6)
  • He felt that his whole life was some kind of a dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it“(p. 15) – perhaps this is why I’m always trying to do amusing things… just in case my life is someone’s dream… I want it to be an entertaining one!
  • There’s a frood who really knows where his towel is.” (p.23 )
  • The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.“(p. 28) – man, I love the way Adams plays with language like this
  • “[The President’s] job is not to wield power by to draw attention away from it” (p. 32) – this book was published in 1979, but I think we can agree that this fits very well into the early 21st century
  • Ford’s father was the only man on the entire planet to survive the Great Collapsing Hrung Disaster, by an extraordinary coincidence that he was never able to satisfactorily explain. The whole episode was shrouded in deep mystery: in fact no one ever knew what a Hrung was or why it had chosen to collapse on Betelgeuse Seven particularly. Ford’s father, magnanimously waving aside the clouds of suspicion that had inevitably settled around him, came to live on Betelgeuse Five where he both fathered and uncled Ford; in memory of his now dead race he christened him in the ancient Praxibetel tongue.

    Because he never learned to say his original name, his father eventually die of shame, which is still a terminal disease in some parts of the Galaxy. The other kids at school nicknamed him Ix, which in the language of Betelgeuse Five translates as ‘boy who is not able satisfactorily to explain what a Hrung is, nor why it should choose to collapse on Betelgeuse Seven.” (p. 41) – I love that he “both fathered and uncled Ford”… when does anyone ever use “uncle” as a verb? And also that he literally died of shame! Again with the playing with the language.

  • ‘You know,’ said Arthur, ‘it’s at times like this when I’m trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die from asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wished I had listened to what my mother told me when I was young.’

    ‘Why, what did she tell you?’

    ‘I don’t know, I wasn’t listening.” – too funny.

  • The principle of generating small amounts of finite improbability by simply hooking the logic circuits of a Bableweeny 57 Sub-Meson Brain to an atomic vector plotter suspended in a strong Brownian Motion producer (say a nice hot cup of tea) were of course well understood – and such generators were often used to break the ice at parties by making all the molecules in the hostess’s undergarments leap simultaneously one foot to the left, in accordance with the Theory of Indeterminacy.
    Many respectable physicists said that they weren’t going to stand for this — partly because it was a debasement of science, but mostly because they didn’t get invited to those sort of parties.” (p. 74) – having been to a party attended by a large number of physics types, I’d hate to see the ones that don’t get invited to parties.

  • The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as ‘a bunch of mindless jerks who’ll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes,” with a footnote to the effect that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking over the post of robotics correspondent.

  • Curiously enough, an edition of
    The Encyclopaedia Galactica that had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as ‘a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the wall when the revolution came.” (pp. 79-80)

  • “One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn’t be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn’t understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.” (p. 85).

  • “…he had turned unfathomably into an art form.” (p. 95)

  • “Stress and nervous tension are now serious social problems in all parts of the Galaxy, and it is in order that this situation should not be in any way exacerbated that the following facts will now be revealed in advance.

  • The planet in question
    is in fact the legendary Magrathea.

    The deadly missile attack shortly to be launched by an ancient automatic defence system will result merely in the breakage of three coffee cups and a mousecage, the bruising of somebody’s upper arm, and the untimely creation and sudden demise of a bowl of petunias and an innocent sperm whale.

    In order that some sense of mystery should still be preserved, no revelation will yet be made concerning whose upper arm sustains the bruise. This fact may safely be made the subject of suspense since it is of no significance whatsoever.” (p. 103).

  • “He had found a Nutri-Matic machine which had provided him with a plastic cup filled with a liquid that was almost, but not quite entirely unlike tea. The way it functioned was very interesting. When the Drink button was pressed it made an instant but highly detailed examination of the subject’s metabolism and then sent tiny experimental signals down the neural pathways to the taste centres of the subject’s brain to see what was likely to go down well. However, no one knew quite why it did this because it invariably delivered a cupful of liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.” (p. 104) – Adams and I are kindred spirits insofar as our love of tea goes
  • “…against all probability a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence several miles above the surface of an alien planet.
    And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this poor innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as a whale before it then has to come to terms with not being a whale any more.” (p. 113)

  • “Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was, Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why a bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.” (p. 114)

  • “It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much – the wheel, New York, wars and so on- while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dophins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man – for precisely the same reasons.” (p. 132).

  • In fact there was only one species on the planet more intelligent than dolphins, and they spent a lot of their time in behavioural research laboratories running round inside wheels and conducting frighteningly elegant and subtle experiments on man. The fact that once again man completely misinterpreted this relationship was entirely according to these creatures’ plans.” (p. 132-133)

  • “We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!” (p. 145). – making fun of philosophers. Good times.

  • “‘Forty-two,” said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm. (p. 152) – any good Hitchhiker’s fan has to love this moment.

And so ends my summary of the Hittchhiker trilogy!


The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

  • “The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.” (p. 1)

  • Like all Vogon ships it looked as if it had been not so much designed as congealed.” (p. 3)

  • I’m Zaphod Beeblebrox, my father was Zaphod Beeblebrox the Second, my grandfather was Zaphod Beeblebrox the Third…”


    “There was an accident with a contraceptive and a time machine.” (pp.14-15)

  • The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy “has long supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least widely inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects. First, it is slightly cheaper, and secondly it has the words DON’T PANIC printed in large, friendly letters on its cover.” (p. 26) – other than that last sentence, this is a pretty good description of the internets.

  • The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.” (p. 30)

  • The Universe, it has been observed before, is an unsettlingly big place, a fact which for the sake of a quiet life most people tend to ignore.

    Many would happily move to somewhere rather smaller of their own devising, and this is what most beings in fact do.

    For instance, in one corner of the Eastern Galactic Arm lies the large forest planet Oglaroon, the entire ‘intelligent’ population of which lives permenantly in one fairly small and crowded nut tree. In which tree they are born, live, fall in love, carve tiny speculative articles in the bark about the meaning of life, the futility of death and the importance of birth control, fight a few minor wars, and eventually die strapped to the underside of some of the less accessible outer branches.

    In fact the only Oglaroonians who ever leave their tree are those who are hurled out of it for the heinous crime of wondering whether the other trees are capable of supporting life at all, or indeed whether the other trees are anything other than illusions brought on by eating too many Oglanuts.

    Exotic though this behaviour may seem, there is no life form in the galaxy which is not in some way guilty of the same thing, which is why the Total Perspective Vortex is as horrific as it is.” (p. 56)

  • For when you are put into the Vortex you are given just one momentary glimpse of the entire unimaginable infinity of creation, and somewhere in it a tiny little mark, a tiny dot, which says, ‘You are here.‘” (p. 56-57)

  • a mind, which has been separated from its body, discussing his situation: “We never seemed to be happy doing the same things. We always had the greatest arguments over sex and fishing. Eventually we tried to combine the two, but that only lead to disaster, as you can imagine.” (p. 58)

  • The man who invented the Total Perspective Vortex did so basically to annoy his wife.” (p. 62)

  • [Zaphod] “was clearly a man of many qualities, even if they were mostly bad ones.” (p. 62)

  • The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is one of the most extraordinary ventures in the entire history of catering. It has been built on the fragmented remains of… it will be built on the fragmented… that is to say it will have been built by this time, and indeed has been —

    One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of accidentally becoming your own father or mother. There is no problem involved in becoming your own father or mother that a broadminded and well-adjusted family can’t cope with. There is also no problem about changing the course of history — the course of history does not change because it all fits together like a jigsaw. All the imporant changes have happened before the things they were supposed to change and it all sorts itself out in the end.

    The major problem is quite simply one of grammar, and the main work to consult in this matter is Dr Dan Streetmentioner’s Time Traveller’s Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations. It will tell you for instance how to describe something that was about to happen to you in the past before you avoided it by time-jumping forward two days in order to avoid it. The event will be described differently acccording to whether you are talking about it from the standpoint of your own natural time, from a time in the further future, or a time in the further past and is further complicated by the possibility of conducting conversations whilst you are actually traveling from one time to another with the intention of becoming your own mother or father.

    Most readers get as far as the Future Semi-Conditionally Modified Subinverted Plagal Past Subjunctive Intentional before giving up: and in fact in later editions of the book all pages beyond this point have been left blank to save on printing costs

    The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy skips lightly over this tangle of academic abstraction, pausing only to note that the term “Future Perfect” has been abandoned since it was discovered not to be.” (p. ?) – I

  • He’s spending the year dead for tax reasons.” (p. 91)
  • The Universe as we know it has now been in existence for over one hundred and seventy million billion years and will be ending in a little over a half an hour.” (p. 92)
  • I am the main Dish of the Day. May I interest you in parts of my body?… Something off the shoulder perhaps, braised in a white wine sauce?“(p. 94) – The cow that was engineered to want to be eaten, so that meat eaters wouldn’t have to feel guilty! Too funny!
  • I’m a pretty dangerous dude when I’m cornored.

    “Yeah,” said a voice from under the table, “You go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel.” (p. 103) – This line reminds me of Stupid Friend Paul.

  • It is worth repeating at this point the theories that Ford had comeup with, on his first encounter with human beings, to account for their peculaiar habit of continually stating and restating the very very obvious, as in ‘It’s a nice day,’ or “You’re very tall,’ or ‘So this is it, we’re going to die.” (p. 128) – Or “Did you know that you are really short?”
  • “‘Ford,’ he said, ‘how many escape capsules are there?’

    ‘None,’ said Ford.

    Zaphod gibbered. “Did you count them?’

    ‘Twice,’ said Ford.'” (p. 130)

  • “‘Where,’ said Ford Prefect quietly, ‘does it say teleport?’

    ‘Well, just over here, in fact,’ said Arthur, pointing at a dark control box in the rear of the cabin, ‘Just under the word “emergency”, above the word, “system” and beside the sign saying “out of order”.‘” (p. 131)

  • “Arthur woke up and instantly regretted it.” (p. 134) – oh, I’ve had days like that
  • The first thing that hit their eyes was what appeared to be a coffin. And the next four thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine things that hit their eyes were also coffins.” (p. 139)
  • Number Two’s eyes narrowed and became what are known in the Shouting and Killing People trade as cold slits, the idea presumably being to give your opponent the impression that you have lost your glasses or are having difficulty keeping awake. Why this is frightening is an, as yet, unresolved problem.” (p. 147)
  • The major problem — one of the major problems, for their are several — one of the many major problems with govering people is that of who you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.

    To summarize: it is a well-known fact, that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.

    And so this is the situation we find: a succession of Galactic Presidents who so much enjoy the fun and palaver of being in power that they very rarely notice that they’re not.” (p. 160)

  • “… five hundred and seventy-three committee meetings and you havne’t even discovered fire yet?” (p. 182) – oh, I’ve had meetings like that!
  • “Come and join us, I’m Ford, this is Arthur. We were just about to do nothing at all for a while, but it can wait.” (p. 199)

Adams, Douglas. The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. London : Pan, 1980.

Life, the Universe and Everything

  • Ford was beginning to behave rather strangely, or rather not actually beginning to behave strangely but beginning to bahave in a way which was strangely different from the other strange ways in which he more regularly behaved.” (p. 23)
  • He was staring at the instruments with the air of one who is trying to convert Fahrenheit to centigrade in his head whilst his house is burning down.” (p. 36) – I loved this line when I read it. Probably because I am completely incapable for converting Fahrenheit to centirgrade.
  • “… numbers are not absolute, but depend on the observer’s movement in restaurants.

    The first non-absolute number is the number of people for whom the table is reserved. This will vary during the course of the first three telephone calls to the restaurant, and then will bear no apparent relation to the number of people who actually turn up, or to the number of people who subsequently join them after the show/match/party/gig, or to the number of people who leave when they see who else has turned up.

    The second non-absolute number is the given time of arrival, which is now known to be one of those most bizarre of concepts, a recipriversexclusion, a number whose existence can only be defined as being anything other than itself. In other words, the given time of arrival is the one moment of time at which it is impossible that any member of the party will arrive.. Recipriversexclusions now play a vital part in many branches of maths, including statistics and accountancy and also form the basic equations used to engineer the Somebody Else’s Problem field.

    The third and most mysterious piece of non-absoluteness of all lies in the relationship between the number of items on the bill, the cost of each item, the number of people at the table, and what they are each prepared to pay for. (The number of people who have actually brought any money is only a subphenomenon in this field).” (p. 42-43) – It’s funny because it is so very, very true.

  • Numbers written on restaurant bills within the confines of restaurants do not follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces of paper in any other parts of the Universe.” (p. 43) – ibid.
  • After what it had calculated to ten significant decimal places as being the precise length of pause most likel to convey a generl contempt for all things matressy, the robot continued to walk in tight circles.” (p. 47)
  • The mattress globbered. This is a noise made by a live, swamp-dwelling mattress that is deeply moved by a story of personal tragedy. The word can also, according to the Ultra-Complete Maximegalon Dictionary of Every Language Ever mean the noise made by the Lord High Sanvalvwag of Hollop on discovering that he has forgotten his wife’s birthday for the second year running. Since there was only over one Lord High Sanvalvwag of Hollop, and he never married, the word is only ever used in a negative or speculative sense, and there is an ever-increasing body of opinion which holds that the Ultra-Complete Maximegalon Dictionary is not worth the fleet of lorries it takes to cart its microstored edition around in. Strangely enough, the dictionary omits the word ‘floopily’, which simply means ‘in the manner of something which is floopy’.” (p. 49)

  • It has been a difficult day – of course.

    There had been soulful music playing on the ship’s sound system – of course.

    And he had, of course, been slighty drunk.

    In other words, all the usual conditions which bring on a bout of soul-searching had applied, but it had, nevertheless, clearly been an error.

    Standing now, silent and alone, in the dark corridor he remembered the moment and shivered. His one head looked one way and his other the other and each decided that the other was the way to go.

    He listened but could hear nothing.

    All there had been was the ‘wop’.

    It seemed an awfully long way to bring an awfully large number of people just to say one word.

    He started nervously to edge his way in the direction of the bridge. There at least he would feel in control. He stopped again. The way he was feeling he didn’t think he was an awfuly good person to be in control.

    The first shock of the moment, thinking back, had been discovering that he actually had a soul.

    In fact he’d always more or less assumed that he had one as he had a full complement of everything else, and indeed two of somethings, but suddenly actually to encounter the thing lurking there deep within him had given him a severe jolt.

    And then to discover (this was the second shock) that it wasn’t the totally wonderful object which he felt a man in his position had a natural right to expect had jolted him again.

    Then he had thought about what his position actually was and the renewed shock had nearly made him spill his drink. He drained it quickly before anything serious happened to it. He then had another quick one to follow the first one down and check that it was all right.

    ‘Freedom,’ he said aloud.

    Trillian came on to the bridge at that point and said several enthusistic things on the subject of freedom.

    ‘I can’t cope with it,’ he said darkly, and sent a third drink down to see why the second hadn’t yet reported on the condition of the first. He looked uncertainly at both of her and preferred the one on the right.

    He poured a drink down his other throat with the plan that it would head the previous one off at the pass, join forces with it, and together they would get the second one to pull itself together. Then all three would go off in seach of the fuss, give it a good talking to and maybe a bit of a sing as well.

    He felt uncertain as to whether the fourth drink had understood all that, so he sent down a fifth to explain the plan more fully and a sixth for moral support.

    ‘You’re drinking too much,’ said Trillian.” (pp. 62-63)

  • Zaphod had spent most of his early history lessons plotting how we was going to have sex with the girl in the cybercubicle next to him.” (p. 72)
  • “‘We are going to shoot you.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ said Zaphod, waggling his gun. ‘Yes,’ said the robot, and they shot him. Zaphod was so surprised that they had to shoot him again before he fell down.” (p. 75)
  • However, the same event which saw the disastrous failure of one science in its infancy also witnessed the apotheosis of another. It was conclusively proved that more people watched tri-D TV coverage of the launch than actually existed at the time, and this has now been recognized as the greatest acheievement ever in the science of audeince reseach.” (p. 81)
  • The Encyclopedia Galactica has much to say on the theory and practice of time travel, most of which is incomprehensible to anyone who hasn’t spent at least four lifetimes studying advanced hypermathematics, and since it was impossible to do this before time travel was invented, there is a certain amount of confusion as to how the idea was arrived at in the first place. One rationalization of this problem states that time travel was, by its very nature, discovered simultaneiously at all periods of history, but this is clearly bunk.” (p. 98)
  • They obstinately persisted in their absence.” (p. 101) – I hate when they do that.
  • It was the product of mind that was not merely twisted, but actually sprained.” (p. 109)
  • None of these facts, however strange or inexplicable, is as strange or inexplicable as the rules of the game of Brockian Ultra-Cricket, as played in the higher dimensions. A full set of the rules is so massively complicated that the only time they were all bound together in a single volume, they underwent gravitational collapse and became a black hole.” (p. 119-120)
  • RULE SIX: The winning team shall be the first team that wins.” (p. 121) – I have a feeling that this is a quotation that I will be incorporating into my everyday lexicon.
  • “Ten minutes later, drifting idly through a cloud, he got a large and extremely disreputable cocktail party in the small of the back.” (p. 127)
  • The longest and most destructive party ever held is now into its fourth generation and still no one shows any signs of leaving. Somebody did once look at his watch, but that was eleven years ago now, and there has been no follow-up.

    The mess is extraordinary, and has to be seen to be believed, but if you don’t have any particular need to believe it, then don’t go and look, because you won’t enjoy it.” (p. 127-128)

  • Wherever he touched himself, he encountered a pain. After a short while he worked out that this was because it was his hand that was hurting.” (p. 130)
  • Zaphod did not want to tangle with them and, deciding that just as discretion was the better part of valour, so was cowardice the better part of discretion, he valiantly hid himself in the cupboard.” (p. 164)
  • He hoped and prayed that there wasn’t an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contrdiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn’t an afterlife.” (p. 184)

Adams, Douglas. Life, the universe, and everything. New York : Harmony Books, 1982.

So Long, and Thanks For All The Fish

In my continuing quest to put up my favourite bits of the Hitchhiker’s “triology” in reverse order, here are my fav quotations from So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish:

  • Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that thtye still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

    This planet has – or had – a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solution swere suggested for this problem, but most of themse were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn’t the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.

    And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were unhappy, even the ones with digital watches.” (p. 1) – in the interest of full disclosure, I wish I had more small green (or other colours too, here in Canada) pieces of paper… but I do have a digital watch and it makes me happy =)

  • That evening it was dark early, which was normal for this time of yea. It was cold and windy, which was normal.

    It started to rain, which was particularly normal.
    A spacecraft landed, which was not.

    There was nobody around to see it except for some spectacularly stupid quadrupeds who hadn’t the faintest idea what to make of it, or whether they were meant to make anything of it, or eat it, or what. So they did what they did to everything which was to run away from it and try to hide under each other, which never worked.” (p. 3)

  • A Maxi passed on the other side of the road and flashed its lights at the slowly plodding figure, though whether this was meant to convey a ‘Hello’ or a ‘Sorry we’re going the other way’ or a ‘Hey look, there’s someone in the rain, what a jerk’ was entirely unclear.” (p. 10)
  • As it chanced, the following day the driver of the Cortina went into hospital to have his appendix out, only due to a rather amsuing mix up the surgeon removed his leg in error, and before the appendectomy could be rescheduled, the appendicitis complicated into an entertainly serious case of peritonitis and justice, in its way, was served.” (p. 10-11)
  • The particular way in which he was choosing to dice recklessly with death today was by trying to pay for a drinks bill the size of a small defence budget with an American Express card, which was not acceptable anywhere in the known Universe.” (p. 12) – It’s funny because it’s true!
  • Arthur watched it go, as stunned as a man might be who, having believed himself to be totally blind for five years, suddenly discovers that he had merely been weaing too large a hat.” (p. 32)
  • From another direction he felt the sensation of being a sheep startled by a flying saucer, but it was virtually indistinguishable from the feeling of being a sheep startled by anything else it even encountered, for they were creatures who learned very little on their journey through life, and would be startled to see the sun rising in the morning, and astonished by all the green stuff in the fields.” (p. 42)
  • He leaning forward, screwing his face up as if he was going to say something extraordinary about the govermnment.” (p. 56)
  • Grown men, he told himself, in flat contradiction of centuries of accumulated evidence about the way grown men behave, do not behave like this.” (p. 59-60)
  • The problem is, or rather one of the problems, for there are many, a sizable portion of which are clogging up the civil, commercial and criminal courts in all areas of the Galaxy, and especially, where possible, the more corrupt ones, this.

    The previous sentence makes sense. That is the not the problem.

    This is:


    Read it through again and you’ll get it.” (p. 100) – I love the way Douglas Adams played around with language like this. He uses considerable fewer commas than I do when he does so, however, making it difficult to transcribe.

  • In Ancient days, before the Advent of the Sorth of Bragadox, when Fragilis sang and Saxaquine of the Quenelux held sway, when the air was sweet and the nights fragrant, but everyone somehow managed to be, or so they claimed, though how on earth they could have thought that anyone was even remotely likely to believe such a proposterous claim what with all the sweet air and fragrant nights and whatnot is anyone’s guess, virgins, it was not possible to heave a brick on Brequinda in the Foth of Avalars without hitting at least a half a dozen Fuolornis Fire Dragons.” (p. 101)

Adams, Douglas. So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish. New York : Harmony Books, 1984.

The Salmon of Doubt

As I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve been on a bit of a Douglas Adams kick. So I picked up The Salmon of Doubt at the VPL*. TSofD is a compilation of a variety of writings that were put together after Adams’s death in 2001, including the unfinished novel that he was working on at the time of his death.

I’ve compiled my preferred quotations from this book, grouped by topic:

On Atheism:

Adams refers to himself as a “radical atheist,” because he was sick of people saying, “Don’t you mean you are an agnostic?” I like this term, “radical atheist” and am thinking of adopting it myself.

  • I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously” (p. xxvii)

  • In England, we seem to have drifted from vague, wishy-washy Anglicanism to vague, wishy-washy Agnosticism — both of which I think betoken a desire not to have to think about things too much.” (“Interview, American Atheists”, p. 96)

  • on being an atheist rather than an agnostic: “People will then often say, “But surely it’s better to remain an Agnostic just in case?” This, to me, suggests such a level of silliness and muddle that I usually edge out of the conversation rather than get sucked into it. (If it turns out that I’ve been wrong all along, and there is in fact a god, and if it further turned out that this kind of legalistic, cross-your-fingers-behind-your-back, Clintonian hair splitting impressed him, then I think I would choose not to workship him anyway).” (“Interview, American Atheists”, p. 96)

  • I don’t accept the currently fashionable assertion that any view is automatically as worthy of respect as any equal and opposite view.” (“Interview, American Atheists”, p. 97) – can anyone say “intelligent design”? or “intelligent falling“…

  • God used to be the best explanation we’d got, and we’ve now got vastly better ones.” (“Interview, American Atheists”, p. 97)

  • I’d take the awe of understanding over the awe of ignorance anyday.” (“Interview, American Atheists”, p. 99) – put another way (and to quote John Stuart Mill): “It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied.”

  • written in the Epilogue about Adams: “To illustrate the vain conceit that the universe must be somehow preordained for us, because we are so well suited to live in it, he mimed a wonderfully funny imitation of a puddle of water, fitting itself snugly into a depression in the ground, the depression uncannily being the same shape as the puddle.” (“Epilogue,” p. 289)

On Writing:

  • Incidentally, am I alone in finding the expression “it turns out” to be incredibly useful? It allows you to make swift, succint and authoritative connections between otherwise randomly unconnected statements without the trouble of explaining what your source or authority actually is. It’s great… because it suggests not only that whatever flimsy bit of urban mythology you are passing on is actually based on brand new, ground breaking research, but that it is research in which you yourself were intimately involved. But again, with no actual authority anywhere in sight.” (p. 27) – I tend to use the words “in fact” to this same end… perhaps I should incorporate “it turns out” into my vocabulary to add some variety.

  • The perennial movie, which has been about to be made for about 20 years and is even more about to made now.” (“April 5, 2000 interview”, p. 283)

  • on his new ideas: “Can I do them all in the rest of my career, given the speed at which they are arriving at the moment?” (“April 5, 2000 interview”, p. 284) – this made me sad, because he surely did not get to capture all these ideas before his death in 2001; who knows what strokes of brillance were lost along with Adams?

  • At the end of all this being-determined-to-be-a-jack-of-a-trades, I think I’m better off just sitting down and putting a hundred thousand words in cunning order…. slowly and painfully.” (“April 5, 2000 interview”, p. 287)

On Computers:

  • on computer cables: “Dickens didn’t have to crawl around under his desk trying to match plugs. You look at the sheer yardage of Dickens’s output on a shelf and you konw he never had to match plugs.” (“Frank the Vandal,” p. 90) – this had me laughing right out loud. Mostly because I’m often found crawling around under my desk trying to match plugs. I’m sure I could have finished my PhD at least a year earlier if I didn’t have to match plugs.

  • ‘personal’ computers (a misleading term as applied to almost any machine we’ve seen so far).” (“Build It and We Will Come,” p. 91)

  • Then, as our ability to manipulate numbers with these machines became more sophisticated, we wondered what might happen if we made the numbers stand for something else, like for instance, the letters of the alphabet. Bingo! An extraordinary, world changing breakthrough! We realized we had been myopically shortsighted to think that this thing was just an adding machine. It was something far more exciting. It was a typewriter!” (“BI & WWC,” pp. 91-2)

On Tea:

  • There is a very simple principle to the making of tea, and it’s this — to get the proper flavour of tea, the water has to be boilING (not boilED) when it hits the tea leaves. (“Tea,” p. 68) – I’ve been saying this for years, so it was nice to see it confirmed by an Englishman.

  • The socially correct way of pouring tea is to put the milk in after the tea. Social correctness has traditionally had nothing whatever to do with reason, logic or physics.” (“Tea,” p. 69)


  • Everybody lies to people with clipboards.” (“BI & WWC,” p. 93)

  • Present someone with a questionnaire clipboard and they lie. A friend of mine once had a job preparing a questionnaire for people to fill in on the web. He said the information they got back was enormously heartening about the state of the world. For instance, did you konw that almost 90% of the population are CEOs of their own companies and earn over a million dollars a year?” (p. 125)

  • Time travel? I believe there are people regularly travelling back from the future and interfering with our lives on a daily basis. The evidence is all around us. I’m talking about how every time we make an insurance claim we discover that somehow mysteriously the exact thing we’re claiming is now precisely excluded from our policy.” (“Time Travel,” p. 121)

  • … big corporations don’t particularly like to hear about protecting endangered wildlife. You lose a lot of money to endangered wildlife.” (“April 5, 2000 interview”, p. 285)

From the Unfinished Manuscript of The Salmon of Doubt:

  • Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.” (p. 205)

  • He didn’t like beautiful women. They upset him with their grace, their charm, the utter loveliness and their complete refusal to go out to dinner with him.” (p. 210)

  • He was constantly reminded of how startingly different a place the world was when viewed from a point only three feet to the left.” (p. 233)

  • He had no money. None of his own at least. He had some of the bank’s money, but how much he had no idea.” (p. 228)

  • “It seemed to him for a moment that the [unopened bank statements] were vibrating slightly, and even that the whole of space and time was beginning to revolve slowly around them and get sucked into the event horizon, but he was probably imagining it.” (p. 228) – I know someone like this. Some people, actually.

  • The actual building was old and dilapitated and remained standing more out of habit than from any inherent structural integrity…” – I know a place like this.

  • “...syphilitic idiocy and blitheringness..” (p. 260) – this might be the best expression I’ve ever heard… I can think of a choice few people who I would use this to describe

Now, I’m pretty sure that I had more things from this book that I wanted to record for posterity. They are probably scrawled on a scrap of a napkin that is stuffed in the pocket of some pair of pants I haven’t worn in ages, or was accidentally thrown away. If I ever do find them, I’ll add them later.

*btw, Jody, if you are reading… what’s VPL mean in Tranna?

Adams, Douglas. The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time. London: Macmillan, 2002.

Darwin Awards II

Rarely does a sequel surpass the original. OK, I admit it, I never read the original. I don’t think it actually matters. I just picked this up because I saw it at the library and I enjoy laughing at other people’s stupidity.

Some of the spectacular ways that people ended up dead, thus earning themselves a Darwin Award included:

  • the women who died of a skull fracture after falling from her 13 cm platform sandals*.
  • the religious dude who drowned in his bath after slipping on a bar of soap while he was practising trying to walk on water to be more like Jesus
  • the guy who died in a forklift accident while making a forklift safety video
  • the shepherd who was shot to death when one of his sheep stepped on his rifle

*In the interest of full disclosure, I’d like to point out that my platform sandals are only 9.5 cm tall. And my platform boots, 11 cm.

Northcutt, Wendy. The Darwin awards II : unnatural selection. New York : Dutton, 2001.

The Long Dark Tea-Time of The Soul

As part of my Douglas Adams kick, I read The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul:

  • She stared at them with the worried from of a drunk trying to work out why the door is dancing.” (p. 17)

  • The room was not a room to elevate the soul. Louis XIV, to pick a name at random, would have found it not sunny enough, and insufficiently full of mirrors. He would have desired someone to pick up the socks, put the records away, and maybe burn the place down. Michelangelo would have been distressed by its proportions, which were neither lofty nor shaped by any noticeable inner harmony or symmetry, other than that all parts of the room were pretty much equally full of old coffee mugs, shoes and brimming ashtrays, most of which were now sharing their tasks with each other. The walls were painted in almost precisely that shade of green which Raffaello Sanzio would have bitten off his own right hand at the wrist rather than use, and Hercules, on seeing the room, would probably have returned half an hour later armed with a navigable river. It was, in short, a dump, and was likely to remain so for as long as it remained in the custody of Mr. Svlad, or “Dirk” Gently, né Cjelli.” (p.20) – man, this sounds like my old apartment. God, that place needed a navigable river.

  • “He lay there with a terrible sense of worry and guilt about something weighing on his shoulders. He wished he could forget about it, and promptly did.” (p.21)

  • The mail on the doormat consisted of the usual things: a rude letter threatening to take away his American Express card, an invitation to apply for an American Express card, and a few bills of the more hysterical and unrealistic type.” (p. 21)

  • …his method of “Zen” navigation, which was simply to find any car that looked as if it knew where it was going and follow it. The results were more often surprising than successful, but he felt it was worth it for the sake of the few occasions when it was both.” (p. 29)

  • There was an air of tension and of sadness and of things needing to be cleaned out from under the bed.” (p.45)

  • She was of course the last person to judge somebody by the colour of their skin – or if not absolutely the last, she had at least done it as recently as yesterday afternoon.” (p. 63) – I laughed and laughed and laughed when I read this. I love the way Adams plays with language like this.

  • Glue technology had obviously not progressed in that country to the point where things could be successfully held together with it.” (p. 77)

  • “…they had been translated from the Chinese via the Japanese and seemed to have enjoyed many adventures on the way.” (p. 77)

  • (after rear-ending Kate:)
    • ‘Do you have a lawyer?’
    • ‘Yes, I do, as a matter of fact,’ said Kate. She said it with vim and hauteur.
    • ‘Is he any good?’ said the man in the hat? ‘I’m going to need one. Mine’s popped into prison for a while.’” (p. 119-120)

  • I’ve had the sort of day that would make St. Francis of Assisi kick babies.” (p. 122) – sounds like my life of late.

  • “It was widely reported in the press. I expect you missed it through being conconscious. I myself missed it through rampant apathy.” (p.123)

  • The idea was fantastically, wildly improbable. But like most fantastically, wildly improbably ideas, it was at least as worthy of consideration as a more mundane one to which the facts had been strenuously bent to fit.” (p.124)

  • The sound of Michael Jackson in the other bar mingled with the mournful intermittence of the glass-cleaning machine in this one to create an aural ambience which perfectly matched the elderly paintwork in its dinginess.” (p.126)

  • … at the small corner table she had found away from the fat, T-shirted hostility of the bar.” (p. 126)

  • “I don’t see why I still read his books. It’s perfectly clear his editor doesn’t.” (p.126)

  • “The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbably lacks. How often have you been presented with an apparently rational explanation of something which works in all respects other than one, which is just that it is hopelessly improbable? Your instinct is to say, “Yes, but he or she simply wouldn’t do that.” (p.132) – oh ya, been there.

  • “… caught in the middle of a rush hour traffic jam that had started in the late nineteen seventies and which, at a quarter to ten on this Thursday evening, still showed no signs of abating…” (p. 148)

  • The same two damn people who had been the bane of his life for the entire day (he allowed himself this slight exaggeration on the grounds of extreme provocation) had now flagrantly and deliberately disappeared in front of his eyes.” (p.213)

Adams, Douglas. The Long Dark Tea-Time of The Soul. Toronto: Stoddart, 1988.

Mostly Harmless

I’ve recently re-read the increasingly inaccurately named Hitchhiker’s Trilogy. I’d like to put my posts for these books in the correct order but, as fate would have it, was on book 5 by the time I decided to start this blog. So I’m starting with the last book and working backwards (with some other books in between, I’m sure).

I’m on a bit of a Douglas Adams kick, so expect to see a post on The Salmon of Doubt, which I’m reading right now (and, incidentally, I highly recommend), in addition the rest of the trilogy.

The book opens with the following written on the first 4 pages:

  • Anything that happens, happens
  • Anything that, in happening, causes something to happen, causes something to happen.
  • Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen, happens again
  • It doesn’t necessarily do it in chronological order.

I found this fairly amusing. Shortly after reading Mostly Harmless, I started reading The Salmon of Doubt, in which Adams talks about this (so expect to hear more about it in that posting, whenever I get around to it).

  • Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own laws.” (p. 9)
  • On New York (but which can equally apply to Toronto: “In the wintertime the temperature falls below the legal minimum, or rather it would do if anybody had the common sense to set a legal minimum” (p. 15)
  • A lot of inhabitants of New York will honk on mightly abuot the pleasures of spring, but if they actually knew anything about the pleasures of spring they would know of at least five thousand nine hundred and eighty three better places to spend it than New York, and that’s just on the same latitude” (p.16)
  • … matter consists almost entirely of nothing at all. The chances of a neutrino actually hitting something as it travels through all this howling emptiness are roughly comparable to that of dropping a ball bearing at random from a cruising 747 and hitting, say, an egg sandwich.” (p. 36) – I love physics.
  • Ford had his own code of ethics. It wasn’t much of one, but it was his and he stuck by it, more or less. One rule he made was never to buy his own drinks. He wasn’t sure if that counted as an ethic, but you have to go with what you’ve got.” (p. 68)
  • The frightening thing about the Vogons was their absolute mindless determination to do whatever mindless thing it was they were determined to do. There was never any point in trying to appeal to their reason because they didn’t have any. However, if you keep your nerve you could sometimes exploit their blinkered, bludgeoning insistence on being bludgeoning and blinkered.” (p. 131) – after reading The Salmon of Doubt, specifically the interview in which Douglas Adams speaks of his “radical atheism,” I’d hazard a guess that he’s making a veiled reference to religious zealots here.
  • In the spirit of scientific enquiry he hurled himself out of the window again.” (pp. 133)
  • “Now logic is a wonderful thing but it has, as the processes of evolution discovered, certain drawbacks. Anything that thinks logically can be fooled by some­thing else which thinks at least as logically as it does. The easiest way to fool a completely logical robot is to feed it the same stimulus sequence oyer and over again so it gets locked in a loop. This was best demonstrated by the famous Herring Sandwich experiments con­ducted millennia ago at MISPWOSO (The Maximega­lon Institute of Slowly and Painfully Working Out the Surprisingly Obvious). A robot was programmed to believe that it liked herring sandwiches. This was actually the most difficult part of the whole experiment. Once the robot had been programmed to believe that it liked herring sandwiches, a herring sandwich was placed in front of it. Whereupon the robot thought to itself, ‘Ah! A herring sandwich! I like herring sandwiches.’ It would” then bend over and scoop up the herring sandwich in its herring sandwich scoop, and then straighten up again. Unfortunately for the robot, it was fashioned in such a way that the action of straightening up caused the herring sandwich to slip straight back off its herring sandwich scoop and fall on to the floor in front of the robot. Whereupon the robot thought to itself, ‘Ah! A herring sandwich. . .’ etc., and repeated the same action over and over and over again. The only thing that prevented the herring sandwich from getting bored with the whole damn business and crawling off in search of other ways of passing the time was that the herring sandwich, being just a bit of dead fish between a couple of slices of bread, was marginally less alert to what was going on than was the robot. The scientists at the Institute thus discovered the driving force behind all change, development and inno­vation in life, which was this: herring sandwiches. They published a paper to this effect, which was widely criticized as being extremely stupid. ” (pp. 51-52)

Nothing’s Sacred

I’m a big fan of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Despite not having cable for the last 5+ years, I’ve always kept up with the show by watching clips on the Comedy Central website. All of their correspondents are hilarious and Lewis Black is no exception. He yells and rants like a neo-Con, but he’s totally a lefty. So he’s yelling and ranting about things that drive me crazy, things that make me yell and rant too. So when I saw this book of his at the library, I knew it would be a good read. I think Jon Stewart summed it up well in his quotation on the back of the book:

Lewis Black is the only person I know who can actually yell in print form.
-Jon Stewart

The first quotation from this book that is worth recording is the dedication:

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today — you know who you are… and when I find you I am going to kill you.

Now that’s a dedication!

Many other fine quotations come from the chapter titles and/or their taglines, including:

  • What am I doing writing a book? I can’t sit still for that long.
  • The Pledge of Allegiance… with liberty and Starbucks for all.
  • My Brother, Ron — The good do die young and pricks do live forever.
  • If there is a hell, it is modeled after junior high.
  • The real world is just like high school, only there are more places to eat.
  • The Post Office – Fuck you, Ben Franklin.
  • Writing may just be an excuse to have the whole day to masturbate.
  • College prepares you for the real world. Graduate school prepares you for an even realer world.

Now, lest you think I only read the chapter titles, here are a few quotations from the body of the book that I really liked:

  • “…no child, ever, has said the words “under God” and experienced the rapture” (p. 15)
  • And I think that it takes a lot of balls for heterosexuals to make a fuss over this issue [gay marriage], considering 50 percent of us can’t even stay married. It’s not like we have a lock on this institution” (p. 30) – this reminds me of a point made by a friend of mine a few years ago. After watching “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?” he said, “Ya, and we are going to destroy the sanctity of marriage!
  • I had become really good at getting good grades – a skill you can learn without learning anything else at the same time.” (p. 79) – that’s a total frustration of mine… tests never seem to test what you’ve actually learned, just what you’ve memorized.
  • “I still wonder how you can elect a leader of the free world who has never seen the world. For God’s sake, the man never even made it to Canada. That’s almost impossible. Even drunk on a bet you can make it to Canada.” (p. 101)
  • Tech support is actually code for ‘No one is here, no one has ever been here. We could give a shit. You didn’t pay enough for this thing in the first place, and besides, it works by magic.” (i. 136)
  • If you were a parent at that time, however, you had reason to count your blessings because, as part of the tax cut package, you would received a check from the feds for four hundred dollars for every child you had. Which really paid off for those couples that had, say, a thousand kids.” (p. 169)
  • If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is sex. And even if someone is bad at it, they should still get a fucking medal.” (p. 175)
  • We were in the midst of an energy crisis and in order to conserve, the school would shut down for the month. This was 1975. And since then we have done nothing, I mean, squat, zilch, nada, to deal with our energy problems.” (p.198) – Isn’t that a little terrifying? I mean, that was before I was born! And I’m old!
  • And I went down to see the dean of students, with whom I’d already become enamored because he’d begun discussing the fact that they were thinking of throwing me out of school. I had a tendency to tell the faculty at every turn, in so many words, bascially that they were full of shit.” (p. 199)
  • Describing a scene in Houston, Texas: “It was a shocking epiphany… there, on one corner, was a Starbucks. A rather common sight, to be sure. But across the street in an office building that was a mirror image of the structure holding the Starbucks… stood another Starbucks.. At first I looked back and forth, convinced the sun was playing tricks on my eyes. I thought, let me lok at this Starbucks, and when I turn around, there couldn’t possibly be a Starbucks behind me. After all, I reasoned, if there was a just and loving God, he certainly wouldn’t allow this shit to happen.” – Clearly, Lewis has not been to Vancouver, where this is a relatively common sight.

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